Should I Follow My Heart or Listen to the Voice of Reason Inside My Head?

Dear Zuri:

My ex-boyfriend recently broke up with me about 2-3 weeks ago. I had a lot of firsts with him, sexually, emotionally, etc. He had nothing when I met him — all he did was play video games all day long, everyday. After he met me, he got a job, and I helped him learn how to do things for himself (iron clothes, chores, etc). His insecurities would surface when I was not around him because he would get child-like and selfish. After a couple of months, I lost my job and he wanted me to not work for a while so he could help take care of me and my finances. But, shortly after, he decided to quit working. So we were both out of work, and he wanted to spend all our time together at his house.

Then my relationship with his family soured. They found ways to blame me for their own shortcomings and claimed that I had ruined my boyfriend’s life when all the while, I had strengthened their relationship with him since he wanted nothing to do with them before he met me. The family drama had gotten so bad that he had no choice but to let me go stay with my family. After I left, my job search improved, but he would not make any effort to call because he would be too busy playing video games all the time. I was always wrong for not doing what he wanted, and even when I did, he still found something else for me to be at fault for.

After no contact for a couple of days, he broke up with me. We are currently not on speaking terms because he recently contacted me wanting sex and I refused. We should be fixing the problems and not having sex. I am finally seeing my worth again and putting my foot down. Our relationship was doing well and thriving when I was leading it, but it soured when I let him have control of it. Despite all the ups and downs, I still love him a lot, and I believe that he loves me too. What are the chances of us getting back together?

VI 3/82 and DH 11/82

Dear V:

You definitely feel a draw to this guy because of a karmic connection that you needed to fulfill and learn life lessons from each other. He was a lesson for you in learning to become more balanced and independent in a romantic relationship and your lesson to him was to encourage him to grow up and become more emotionally mature and self-sufficient. The tarot cards indicated that that your relationship, although you put a lot of work into making him happy, came to a quick end due to his jealousy, fears and inability to control you the way he wanted. The separation occurred for your own good to give you time to reflect and recognize the relationship for the toxicity that it was. Your relationship was not moving forward because it was mainly one-sided where he had all of the power and you did not want to see him for who he really was. Even when he did not put any effort into communicating with you and compromising to make your needs a priority, you still accepted his behavior and stayed with him, throwing your self-esteem and self-love out the window.

You became his mother and took care of everything for him, making it easy for him not to take responsibility for his life. However, it is also what made him resent you because he was not ready to leave the nest and become a real man. You were right on in seeing that you needed to separate from his influence in order to make strides in your career and to rebuild your self esteem and confidence. However, he does not really love you. He just wants to control you and remain a man child.

This is not a person who will ever really support your goals and feelings. If he did, he would not stand between you and working. He would also be making efforts to get to know your life better by spending time with your family and doing activities that make you happy. Essentially, you are dating Peter Pan and he has no intentions of growing up if he does not have to. You are emotionally conflicted knowing that being with him is not a sensible decision and that he cannot give you a real productive future where you can build a life together.

You want to move off into the adult world and he is still playing in the sandbox. If you want a happy future for yourself, you need to end this thing, make a decision of balance and stop letting him text and stay in contact with you. He’s sucking your energy and keeping you hanging. I’d suggest that you ignore his texts, delete emails, not answer the phone, and change your number.

He’s like lice – almost impossible to get rid of and will keep coming back over and over for years if you let him. He is not interested in your thoughts or feelings if they do not coincide with his own. He just likes that he can play with you anytime it suits him and discard or put you away when his attention is diverted. No other woman with any amount of dignity or self-respect would stick around and tolerate his lifestyle, behavior and actions that way.

And if you ever want to build a family, just imagine the example and values he would set for your children with respect to equality in a relationship, emotional treatment of a partner, the division of chores, the importance of responsibility and accountability as well as not carrying his own weight in being a financial provider. Ultimately, you need a stronger man so you can learn balance. Right now, you need to cut your ties with him, work on getting your career on track and empower yourself to choose better relationships that respect, love and support you for the wonderful person that you are. You have a lot to offer and give to the right guy who is not going to take advantage of your beautiful heart.

D just isn’t that perfect guy for you. Peter Pan is still living in his tree house and you need a man who lives with both his feet firmly planted on the ground. It’s time to graduate to a mature relationship. Your voice has been silenced long enough. The only things D should be controlling are his video games.

Blessings,
Zuri ♥

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