Why Do I Still Love Him?

Dear Zuri:

Why do I still love him? I met D nearly two years ago. He was nice to start with, very loving and kind. Then we moved in together and he became someone I didn’t know. He didn’t like me seeing my mates, family, anyone. He has hurt me by throwing things at me, got into debt at my house and even took my old wedding rings. So why do I still want him?

JT 4/64 and DT 8/65

Dear J:

D likes to be in control in all aspects of his relationships and when he does not get his way, he shuts down and stops being a charismatic and fun guy. Frankly, it’s part of his game. In the beginning, he gains a woman’s trust and confidence by pretending to be everything that they could ever want in a perfect guy: loving, caring and attentive.

When you gave your power away to this man, you became defeated and the relationship soured. That’s exactly the position he wants to see you in. You have to work on becoming a stronger person by creating wholeness within. The first step is to give yourself permission to love the most important person in your life: yourself. The next step involves working on your self esteem and finding happiness within yourself.

With professional help, you can become more discerning in your interactions with potential suitors by recognizing men who are not good for you and who try to take your power away. You also have to understand that love does not mean control and that is what you confused love with. When a relationship is based on real love, both people are allowed to just be themselves, grow as individuals with interests and careers outside the relationship, as well as have relationships with family and friends. When those areas are not supported, it is not love. You misinterpreted his control for affection. He looked at you as someone he could manipulate and once he got you where he wanted you, the gloves came off.

He is an emotional abuser and knows how to be charming when it suits him. You are still trying to bring your relationship back to the honeymoon phase where things were harmonious between you two. You are attracted to the character he was playing and that’s what you are trying to cling to. You keep thinking that if you are nicer, sweeter and do more for him, that the wonderful guy you were dating at the beginning will come back. However, it’s not your reality with him. His true personality is the person you are experiencing today. His emotional and physical abuse is slowly killing your spirit. No person is worth sacrificing your happiness, self- respect and well being for.

I am psychically sensing that there are deep rooted issues with needing to please others before yourself, insecurity, self-doubt and not feeling you are good enough or worthy enough of real love. If you were to dig deep into your past and look at your relationships through out your life with your family, other lovers or people, you may find the reason why you are attracted to this type of chaos. And why you equate being mistreated with love. Even though you realize on a conscious level that you are drawn to an abusive man, unless you deal with it on a subconscious level, the pattern will repeat itself with future people. You are still attracted to him because he took away all of your power and now you have to work on getting it back.

If you have not already, kick him out your house, change your locks and end your associations with him. I would also recommend engaging the help of a therapist or join a support group (women who love too much) to get this man out of your head and heart, and to put the focus back on yourself. You have the power to attract better relationships in your life. But the first relationship you have to improve is the one with yourself.


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Posted in: Ask Zuri Column

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