Dear Zuri:

I met my ex in an online game in July of last year and we never really spoke to one another until a few months later when he asked me a question about stuff pertaining to the occult, which is a subject we’re both interested in. As the days and weeks passed we grew closer and fell in love. For about 6 months we couldn’t get enough of each other, seeing each other on msn and webcam whenever we could get a chance, staying up till the early hours of the morning talking. Soon after he became distant and told me that he needed his space.

I told him that I’d back off for a little while but he didn’t want me to. We were planning on meeting up in May this year but about three weeks before the time he broke up with me saying that the feelings that were once there for me had gone. We have mutual friends in common who had planned a trip to Europe this summer and who had asked me to go along. But he said he’d check with my ex first if it was okay. The ex said it was fine. My question is since I still have deep seated feelings for my ex cause I really loved him, still do, how should I act when I’m around him? I don’t want to come across as being desperate and wanting to get back together (even though I do).

AS 8/77 and TR 2/84

Hi A!

As I read your tarot cards, I felt two distinct directions this can end up going in. Either he cancels and does not even go, saying something “came up” at the last moment or he does go and is cold and distant from the start. Because I keep sensing there will definitely be a change in plans and that you are waiting on something that just isn’t going to happen – the reconciliation. Even if your ex does go, his attention will be on himself and the trip and you’d be too busy worrying about everything he says/does. Putting all of your focus and energy on his feelings and movements would negatively affect your ability to have a good time. Not to mention the prolonged heart break you’d experience because you’d be delaying the healing process and building up false hopes and dreams. So if you are only going on the trip to be near him then you should cancel. If you are going for other reasons it’s better if he isn’t invited along if that was how this originally came to be. Once a guy loses interest – it’s usually best to let him go and not wait around for him to give you the attention you deserve.

You need to be careful in investing your emotions in the future in any internet relationship because it’s easy to get wrapped up in fantasy and build up feelings that may not hold up once you meet in person. This guy is not worth mooning over. He’s imaginary. He enjoyed the distraction of giving his time to a fantasy when it suited him but once there was the threat of it becoming real life and he had to really commit he bailed. You gave too much – he had all he needed right there and then. My advice to you is to cancel the trip or go on the trip with just the friends and not the ex. If he wants to go then he can go on his own or on a future trip with just the mutual friends. Psychically, I feel he wasn’t really looking to have a real life relationship off the web and that’s why he pulled a 180.

Not all internet relationships turn out this way but it’s important to emphasize that in order to protect yourself both emotionally and physically, you need to learn to date intelligently. That means not investing all of your time chatting on the web. Give yourself just a few weeks of getting to know someone online before making plans to meet in person. If possible, try to meet men that live in your area so you can see them more often. And, during that internet chat time, limit your correspondences to only an hour or two a day. Give them something to look forward to. You don’t want to be too available from the get go.

Usually, the men who just want a fantasy life on the internet will not move the relationship offline because he may even be married or have a girlfriend so it’s not smart to commit to a stranger on the web. By emphasizing boundaries, you’ll only have spent a few weeks instead of 6 months of your time on him. The more time you allow to pass without meeting, the more emotionally invested you become and you develop a higher risk of getting hurt. And no one wants that, especially when anyone can create a persona and become anything they’d like on the web. Take this as a lesson to not develop romantic feelings or an emotional attachment before you meet. Keep it as a friendship online and see where it can lead only once you’ve met offline.

Blessings,
Zuri ♥

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Dear Zuri:

My question is about a man I met over 5 months ago. He calls me every day, saying he loves me and wants to marry me. He lives in another country called Dubai and has said three times that he will come see me. However he never shows up. Whenever this happens, I get angry and tell him that he is a liar. He is upset that I don’t understand him. I am really confused because I do not know what is he up to. Is he being honest? Please help. I cannot sleep or eat well wondering if I should trust him or let him go. I have been hurt by my ex and I do not want be hurt again.

SJ 8/83 and MK 79

Dear SJ:

First of all, five months is a long time to be investing so much of your time and heart into a man you have never met. Especially, a man who has not shown any genuine and serious intent on moving your internet or phone relationship to a real life level. You’ve seen in his actions that he is not true to his word by the number of times he has failed to come see you like he promised. The tarot cards are showing me that the blocks between you and this man are for your protection – if he was a man of his word, he would be there already.

You need to stop communicating with him, or you will be sure to get hurt. The likelihood of him becoming a serious relationship with a future is pretty slim. If he cannot be true to his word, then talk is cheap and you have to see him for what he is: an online ghost. By continuing to give him all these chances to disappoint you is letting yourself be at the emotional mercy of someone who does not deserve to be in such a position of power in your life.

No man is worth losing sleep over and not taking care of yourself. Get your power back by re-building your self-esteem and self-love. It’s time to tell him to take a hike and focus your energies on men who are emotionally and physically available. Set your dating standards higher and make sure their actions match their words before emotionally investing in any person. You are worth it.

Blessings,
Zuri ♥

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