How Can I Maintain Lasting Relationships?

Dear Zuri:
Every 2-4 years or so, I manage to lose my entire circle of friends, and have to start over. Sometimes, as in the most recent case, they hurt me deeply and can’t be bothered (or actively refuse!) to apologize. While I can, and do, forgive them regardless, I lose all trust and faith in them or their professed friendship, and thus it ends. Other times, distance or being too busy just drifts us apart. This has been going on my entire life, with rare and precious exceptions, and I’m tired of the pattern. I find and make friends easily. I just can’t seem to keep them. Read more…

Can a Mercury Retrograde in Libra Signal the End of a Relationship Break in a Boyfriend’s Favor?

Dear Zuri:
My girlfriend wants to take a break. She says she still loves me but she says things have changed. She seems to just have a lot going on and I’m worried this will be the end of us. What can I expect?

CM 4/88
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When a Marriage is Over: He Has Emotionally Checked Out of the Relationship but Physically Still Lives Under the Same Roof

Dear Zuri:
After 28 roller coaster years I’ve decided to leave my wife. It’s been tough the last few weeks letting her know how I feel. She is not in the same place I am. I want to hurt her as little as possible so I’ve tried to work things out slowly and honestly. But it’s been tough. I’ve also tried thinking outside of the box….interesting stuff, but nothing has got me out of the house even though we are not sleeping together. Help me out with some ideas on how to make it happen. Thanks.

DT 8/56

Hi D!
The past pattern of behaviors that hurt and strained your marriage have led to you slowly withdrawing emotionally and your heart no longer feels invested in giving this partnership any more energy. There is no easy or quick way to tell someone it’s over and it’s especially difficult when you have close to thirty years invested in a marriage. If you feel you need support to make the transition out of the marriage, then I would recommend getting into counseling, either individually or together. A relationship therapist specializing in marriage or couples issues can help you work through this and make sure that there are no underlying problems that can be resolved, leading to a repair of the marriage. However, if even after counseling things remain fragmented and it’s discovered that the relationship has gone past the point of no return, then the trained professional can help you communicate firmly with your wife about the next steps in the dissolution of your marriage. Perhaps a trial separation will be what is needed for you to create some distance and figure out where you want to go from here. However I am sensing psychically that there are also financial reasons that are causing you to stall on moving out. So, a lot of things need to be sorted out before you can begin a new life for yourself.

Your reasons for being together in a marriage have been fulfilled karmically and at this point, your spirit guides are sending a message that you are at a crossroads and must make a proactive decision. Only you can decide when it’s time to leave a relationship that no longer makes you happy. If you no longer love her and don’t want to be with her then delaying the unavoidable will not lessen the pain for everyone involved. If you are ready to begin a new chapter in your life and seek out new relationships, you just have to be willing to take that leap into the unknown by ending your current relationship, file for divorce and then be truly open to new possibilities. Allowing fear of divorce or the guilt of hurting someone else in the process is no way to live because you are denying your own happiness. As humans, we are all born with the right to find peace, harmony and happiness for ourselves. And the only way you are going to achieve the life you desire is by mustering up the courage to pursue your passion and getting out of a relationship that is going nowhere. Just make sure that when you do move forward with the decision to sever the marital ties, do so with compassion, patience and grace, while maintaining positive relationships with all children created from your union.

Wishing you much strength, love and peace in this difficult decision.

Blessings,
Zuri

Fiancee Not Hip to Direct Communication with Future Inlaws

Dear Zuri:
My fiancee and I have been dating for a while and keep running into the same problem over and over again. My parents are phone people who expect regular phone contact with their children, which I am happy to give them and do give them.  But they have been disappointed and hurt by what they see as my fiancee’s unwillingness to maintain a direct relationship with them through regular phone calls, particularly my mother. In the past, at my request, my fiancee has made an effort to call my mother directly but the direct relationship becomes too much for my fiancee to handle and she cuts it off again. Right now my parents are going through a tough time and are upset she hasn’t called them directly to see how they are doing.

My fiancee, on the other hand, feels that she already has a nuclear family of her own to call all the time, and would prefer if I would be the buffer between her and my family for this regular contact. I only call her family directly rarely, and they are fine with that, so she feels it is unfair to expect her to do otherwise regardless of my family’s expectations and interpretations.

Is it wrong of my parents to impose their expectations of their children onto my fiancee? Is it reasonable for my parents to expect to have a regular and direct relationship with my future wife? Or is it wrong of my fiancee to refuse to call them directly?

Thanks!
AL

Dear AL:
Whether it’s once a week or once a month, I feel it’s up to your fiancee to decide how much contact she wants to have with her future inlaws and how much communication she feels comfortable initiating. It’s not fair that your parents should expect or try to force your fiancee to communicate with them as much as you do. They need to respect her feelings and allow her to assimilate into your family at her own pace. The more they try to force her to act or behave in the way that they want, the further away they will push her and create more alienation. It’s wonderful that you want to be close to your family, that you contact them frequently and that your fiancee encourages and supports your relationship with them. However, you do have to support your fiancee’s feelings and not force your family’s habits or expectations onto her. Just as she supports you in not wanting constant or frequent communication with her parents, you owe it to her to support her when it comes to yours. In time, when she becomes your wife and participates in family events and get togethers, she may develop a bond with your parents that will lead to more communication. I really do feel that if they give her breathing room, she will come around on her own. And, should you two decide to have children, there will be plenty of opportunities to develop closer bonds and communications as the future grandparents become a part of the children’s lives.

Good luck with everything and please let me know how this situation plays out!

Blessings,
Zuri