Dear Zuri:

Every 2-4 years or so, I manage to lose my entire circle of friends, and have to start over. Sometimes, as in the most recent case, they hurt me deeply and can’t be bothered (or actively refuse!) to apologize. While I can, and do, forgive them regardless, I lose all trust and faith in them or their professed friendship, and thus it ends. Other times, distance or being too busy just drifts us apart. This has been going on my entire life, with rare and precious exceptions, and I’m tired of the pattern. I find and make friends easily. I just can’t seem to keep them.

This pattern goes for lovers, too. Worse, every lover that has hurt me intensely winds up finding the love of their life immediately after me, while I’m still alone. I am ultimately happy for my exes, but I’d like to find and keep lovers and friends of my own. How to I break this pattern and accept and keep love and friendship in my life?

CL 7/73

Dear C:

Based on your sensitive Cancer moon emotionally coloring your benevolent Leo nature, you struggle with giving too much in your relationships and then becoming too demanding when your generosity is not reciprocated in the manner you’d like. As a people pleaser, you continuously give so much of yourself to the point where you get taken advantage of. This creates a martyr mentality where you subconsciously sabotage yourself by choosing people that cannot measure up to the expectations you have. Your clear pattern of attracting the same type of person creates a cycle of disappointment. So take a step back and look at the suitability of the friends or lovers you allow into your life. End this cycle of befriending wishy washy and flaky individuals by selecting relationships based on the quality of their character and integrity.

It’s your thinking and the way you express yourself that are causing the issues. On a deeper level, I got the distinct psychic impression of anger or self esteem problems projected outward in the ways you try to force your will onto others. Friends and lovers pick up on these strong messages and the vibe you give off in social environments. At first, they are drawn to your intense personality and then feel it becomes a battle for emotional balance.

You need to purge all the past anger and sorrow you are carrying before it will change and you can attract in the right people. You are going to have to pay attention to yourself instead of them and learn some balance. You can ask for new friends, but if you don’t change, nothing will change. Your angels are guiding you to become more independent and not rely so intimately on others for your happiness.

My advice to you is to sign up for an al anon or a women who love too much support group to specifically learn what you are doing that needs to change. This will allow you to restructure your thinking and awareness. You have to sit down and really think about which direction you are giving away your energy. Analyze your past associations and relationships in order to view your behavioral patterns objectively. Are you being too clingy, needy or self-sacrificing? Once you have figured that out for yourself, work on reeling your power back in to create more balance and healthy boundaries. During this time, I’d also recommend picking up a copy of a book called The Rules by Ellen Fein which works wonderfully for friendships as well.

The key to attracting heart based relationships is to be a good friend to yourself first by not giving away your power and making sure that you are getting just as much out of the relationship as you are putting in. Once you move from seeking love outside of yourself to rediscovering the self love that comes from within, you will attract the types of relationships that will nurture your spirit and bring you long term happiness.

Sending you peace, strength and love,
Zuri ♥

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Dear Zuri:

My girlfriend wants to take a break. She says she still loves me but she says things have changed. She seems to just have a lot going on and I’m worried this will be the end of us. What can I expect?

CM 4/88

Hi C!

Well, she’s definitely trying to take care of herself right now. She’s maintaining boundaries and space to do what is right for her. You didn’t have much say in the matter as she made a decision to focus on her personal issues that may be related to financial independence and self improvement. Either advancing her career or getting the training and coursework that can improve her ability to receive better pay in a job. So, that led to her having to choose between her goals or the relationship and the relationship got put on hold.

However, I’m not sensing any third party or other romantic interest being a reason for her wanting a breather from the relationship. Sometimes people just need time to themselves to clear their head and get some responsibilities taken care of before they can refocus on a partnership. Or, they may feel their life has gotten out of balance and may take that time apart to figure out what they really want. The Mercury retrograde in Libra on September 24th can definitely bring an opportunity to reconnect and reconcile with people from the past or people that are on the outs with one another. It’s a great time to revisit issues in relationships that need resolution and healing for a second chance at a new beginning. Many people may even feels its effects a few weeks before the retrograde starts.

So intuitively I feel that if you just leave her alone for a bit to catch up, things could come back together sooner than you think and in an even better form. Your tarot spread was dominated by cups, especially the Two of Cups and Ten of Cups in the center, which are a clear sign that things can strengthen and deepen between you two romantically. Let her be the one to re-open the door to communication and a reconciliation though, since she is the one that proposed taking a break. If you take my advice, I see a phone call reconnecting you both. I would even venture to say that she won’t be able to be apart for more than a few weeks before she calls – if you can be strong and stand back. Expect her to return before the end of September.

Good luck!

Blessings,
Zuri ♥

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Dear Zuri:

After 28 roller coaster years I’ve decided to leave my wife. It’s been tough the last few weeks letting her know how I feel. She is not in the same place I am. I want to hurt her as little as possible so I’ve tried to work things out slowly and honestly. But it’s been tough. I’ve also tried thinking outside of the box….interesting stuff, but nothing has got me out of the house even though we are not sleeping together. Help me out with some ideas on how to make it happen. Thanks.

DT 8/56

Hi D!

The past pattern of behaviors that hurt and strained your marriage have led to you slowly withdrawing emotionally and your heart no longer feels invested in giving this partnership any more energy. There is no easy or quick way to tell someone it’s over and it’s especially difficult when you have close to thirty years invested in a marriage. If you feel you need support to make the transition out of the marriage, then I would recommend getting into counseling, either individually or together. A relationship therapist specializing in marriage or couples issues can help you work through this and make sure that there are no underlying problems that can be resolved, leading to a repair of the marriage. However, if even after counseling things remain fragmented and it’s discovered that the relationship has gone past the point of no return, then the trained professional can help you communicate firmly with your wife about the next steps in the dissolution of your marriage. Perhaps a trial separation will be what is needed for you to create some distance and figure out where you want to go from here. However I am sensing psychically that there are also financial reasons that are causing you to stall on moving out. So, a lot of things need to be sorted out before you can begin a new life for yourself.

Your reasons for being together in a marriage have been fulfilled karmically and at this point, your spirit guides are sending a message that you are at a crossroads and must make a proactive decision. Only you can decide when it’s time to leave a relationship that no longer makes you happy. If you no longer love her and don’t want to be with her then delaying the unavoidable will not lessen the pain for everyone involved. If you are ready to begin a new chapter in your life and seek out new relationships, you just have to be willing to take that leap into the unknown by ending your current relationship, file for divorce and then be truly open to new possibilities. Allowing fear of divorce or the guilt of hurting someone else in the process is no way to live because you are denying your own happiness. As humans, we are all born with the right to find peace, harmony and happiness for ourselves. And the only way you are going to achieve the life you desire is by mustering up the courage to pursue your passion and getting out of a relationship that is going nowhere. Just make sure that when you do move forward with the decision to sever the marital ties, do so with compassion, patience and grace, while maintaining positive relationships with all children created from your union.

Wishing you much strength, love and peace in this difficult decision.

Blessings,
Zuri ♥

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Dear Zuri:

My fiancee and I have been dating for a while and keep running into the same problem over and over again. My parents are phone people who expect regular phone contact with their children, which I am happy to give them and do give them.  But they have been disappointed and hurt by what they see as my fiancee’s unwillingness to maintain a direct relationship with them through regular phone calls, particularly my mother. In the past, at my request, my fiancee has made an effort to call my mother directly but the direct relationship becomes too much for my fiancee to handle and she cuts it off again. Right now my parents are going through a tough time and are upset she hasn’t called them directly to see how they are doing.

My fiancee, on the other hand, feels that she already has a nuclear family of her own to call all the time, and would prefer if I would be the buffer between her and my family for this regular contact. I only call her family directly rarely, and they are fine with that, so she feels it is unfair to expect her to do otherwise regardless of my family’s expectations and interpretations.

Is it wrong of my parents to impose their expectations of their children onto my fiancee? Is it reasonable for my parents to expect to have a regular and direct relationship with my future wife? Or is it wrong of my fiancee to refuse to call them directly?

Thanks!
AL

Dear AL:

Whether it’s once a week or once a month, I feel it’s up to your fiancee to decide how much contact she wants to have with her future inlaws and how much communication she feels comfortable initiating. It’s not fair that your parents should expect or try to force your fiancee to communicate with them as much as you do. They need to respect her feelings and allow her to assimilate into your family at her own pace. The more they try to force her to act or behave in the way that they want, the further away they will push her and create more alienation.

It’s wonderful that you want to be close to your family, that you contact them frequently and that your fiancee encourages and supports your relationship with them. However, you do have to support your fiancee’s feelings and not force your family’s habits or expectations onto her. Just as she supports you in not wanting constant or frequent communication with her parents, you owe it to her to support her when it comes to yours. In time, when she becomes your wife and participates in family events and get togethers, she may develop a bond with your parents that will lead to more communication.

I really do feel that if they give her breathing room, she will come around on her own. And, should you two decide to have children, there will be plenty of opportunities to develop closer bonds and communications as the future grandparents become a part of the children’s lives.

Good luck with everything and please let me know how this situation plays out!

Blessings,
Zuri ♥

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