Dear Zuri:
My question is regarding my relationship with my partner. We currently separated in March after being together for 5 years. We are still living together. My partner states that she needs time (not space) to work on herself. She has issues such as anger management, patience, and self-esteem that she would like to work on.
She feels that being in a relationship distracts her from being “selfish” and working on her issues. She states that she does love me and does not want to lose me, but needs some time to be able to work on these issues. My question is, am I wasting my time? I love her very much and wish I could be there to support her.
I understand what she means and what she needs by being “selfish.” But at the same time, I don’t want to end up getting used or more hurt. Is there still a future with us or do I need to cut my losses? Thank you!
KW 08/79 and RT 11/81
Hi K!
You can currently trust in what your partner is saying. Psychically, I do not sense that there is a third party involved, nor do I feel that she wants to leave the relationship. Right now, she feels that her issues are affecting the relationship in a negative way and does not want to see it turn into co-dependency. So, she is choosing to withdraw and deal with her personal issues before she can go back to the relationship.
She wants to reconcile with you from a place of wellness and wholeness. In order to do that, she needs to focus on herself before she can commit to any future with you. If she has not already, I recommend that she seek a mental health support group or private therapy sessions with a licensed professional to ensure that she gets all of the help she needs. By going inward to find her answers, she will experience a spiritual awakening and a strong message of the heart as to what future direction she wishes to go in the relationship.
Unfortunately, living together will make the progress slower. If you are unable to live apart due to financial or living arrangements, I would suggest creating more of a separation (ie – taking a class, making time with friends, spending more time away from the house) if moving out is premature or not possible at this time. Basically, you do not want to hang around or be too available if the other want’s to “talk” or needs someone else to take care of her stuff because that can happen and could also work against you. So, make sure you are acting in a way that reflects the separation, not just hanging around hoping for the best. It will be hard, but also very empowering for you.
Through this period of separation, I encourage you to work on yourself and your independence and please exercise caution in not allowing fear to make you do, think or say things that might work against the relationship. I honestly do not feel the separation will be permanent, as long as you do not let fear get to you, or it will surely happen. The best way you can be there for her is to give her ample time, space and understanding to discover emotional healing.
Blessings!
Zuri
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