Dear Zuri,
Earlier this month I went out clubbing with my friends and ended up kissing a guy. We exchanged phone numbers and met again at a club the following weekend. He called me afterwards to meet again for drinks, but I didn’t want this to end up being a hooking up based relationship so I asked him to meet for coffee instead. We had a great time and he asked me if he could see me again.
Each time we would speak he never offered something to do, so I took it upon myself to organize the dates. I planned a date that consisted of going to an art gallery (free) and later a walk through a park (free) to show him there is such a thing as an economical date.
The following date I also had to plan and the fourth date he asked to come over my house to watch a movie. We ended hooking up and for the past three nights it has been the same. As a bartender, he makes a decent living but most of his money is not managed well. When he is not using it to help pay for school, the remainder of the money is used to party with his friends after work, and none of it is put aside for taking me out on proper dates.
I don’t want to come off as a materialistic drama queen, but I would like to be taken out on dates (which he organizes and invites me to). I feel I haven’t been courted at all and that he is taking this relationship for granted. How can I best approach this sensitive issue with him? He is a Leo and I don’t want to hurt his ego pride. Other than that he is the sweetest guy and caters to my every need in bed.
Sincerely,
F 7/78
Dear F,
A man will treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated. It’s generally a mistake to begin the getting to know someone process by hooking up right away and not setting ground rules for yourself and the men you are interested in dating. If you just want a casual relationship, then by all means continue on this current course. However, if you are looking for something more substantial then you have to shift your game plan.
So, first things first. Refrain from taking it upon yourself to plan any more dates. Next, stop meeting at his place or yours for a nightcap because you are creating a seductive environment that will lead to heightened sexual activity. It’s time to backtrack and revert to square one. That means put the brakes on heavy make out sessions until the situation improves. You want to make sure that he is there because he is genuinely pursuing a relationship and not as an easy way to get laid with minimal investment and effort.
Since you are looking for more than just a fling, you have to be clear with him about what you want and have the willpower to reject his sexual advances until you get the results you’re after. Let him know that being taken out on romantic activities is important to you and educate him on the types of activities you’re into. Follow that up by suggesting that he take the initiative to find out what’s trendy in your city to try out as a couple. He can even enlist the help of his friends for advice or set up a double date. By taking a step back, you level the playing field by putting the ball in his court and encourage him to take immediate action. There won’t be any more excuses to not step up to the plate if his intent is to form a lasting relationship.
Should he call you up for a spur of the moment tryst, don’t accept. Inform him that you require some advance notice to make sure you are available. Then make sure you stand by that rule. If the next time he contacts you he doesn’t offer to do something fun outside the confines of the bedroom (such as a movie, restaurant or art museum) then politely decline and advise him that you will see each other when he is ready to court you properly. If he tries to weaken your will by showing up at your doorstep unannounced, don’t answer. This also extends to not lavishing attention on him through phone calls or text messages if his conduct is not improving.
Slam the door on those booty calls and tell him that you’re not open to being friends with benefits. By creating clear boundaries, you will send a strong message that you mean business. If getting and maintaining a girlfriend is a priority, he will do what it takes to make changes to his behavior to transform your connection from a continuous string of hook ups to a mature relationship. It’s up to you to take control of the situation and be clear about the type of relationship you are looking for.
Give it a few weeks. If he continues to show you less than stellar treatment, then cut the communication and give him his walking papers. Life is too short to waste on a guy who can’t get his act together. You don’t need to settle for just great sex. You deserve the whole package and will get what you are entitled to when you stand up for yourself. Most men in their late 20’s to early 30’s have some courting experience under their belt to woo a woman with style, panache and charisma. And, if they don’t, you have the power to show them how a real woman deserves to be treated so that they can learn and apply those lessons to their next relationship.
Good luck!
Zuri
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