Dear Zuri,
Every 2-4 years or so, I manage to lose my entire circle of friends, and have to start over. Sometimes, as in the most recent case, they hurt me deeply and can’t be bothered (or actively refuse!) to apologize. While I can, and do, forgive them regardless, I lose all trust and faith in them or their professed friendship, and thus it ends.
Other times, distance or being too busy just drifts us apart. This has been going on my entire life, with rare and precious exceptions, and I’m tired of the pattern. I find and make friends easily. I just can’t seem to keep them.
This pattern goes for lovers, too. Worse, every lover that has hurt me intensely winds up finding the love of their life immediately after me, while I’m still alone. I am ultimately happy for my exes, but I’d like to find and keep lovers and friends of my own. How to I break this pattern and accept and keep love and friendship in my life?
– CL 7/73
Dear C,
Based on your sensitive Cancer moon emotionally coloring your benevolent Leo nature, you struggle with giving too much in your relationships and then becoming too demanding when your generosity is not reciprocated in the manner you’d like. As a people pleaser, you continuously give so much of yourself to the point where you get taken advantage of. This creates a martyr mentality where you subconsciously sabotage yourself by choosing people that cannot measure up to the expectations you have. Your clear pattern of attracting the same type of person creates a cycle of disappointment. So take a step back and look at the suitability of the friends or lovers you allow into your life. End this cycle of befriending wishy washy and flaky individuals by selecting relationships based on the quality of their character and integrity.
It’s your thinking and the way you express yourself that are causing the issues. On a deeper level, I got the distinct psychic impression of anger or self esteem problems projected outward in the ways you try to force your will onto others. Friends and lovers pick up on these strong messages and the vibe you give off in social environments. At first, they are drawn to your intense personality and then feel it becomes a battle for emotional balance.
You need to purge all the past anger and sorrow you are carrying before it will change and you can attract in the right people. You are going to have to pay attention to yourself instead of them and learn some balance. You can ask for new friends, but if you don’t change, nothing will change. Your angels are guiding you to become more independent and not rely so intimately on others for your happiness.
My advice to you is to work with a therapist and get extra support by signing up for an al anon or a women who love too much support group to specifically learn what you are doing that needs to change. This will allow you to restructure your thinking and awareness. You have to sit down and really think about which direction you are giving away your energy. Analyze your past associations and relationships in order to view your behavioral patterns objectively. Are you being too clingy, needy or self-sacrificing? Once you have figured that out for yourself, work on reeling your power back in to create more balance and healthy boundaries. During this time, I’d also recommend picking up a copy of a book called The Rules by Ellen Fein which works wonderfully for friendships as well.
The key to attracting heart based relationships is to be a good friend to yourself first by not giving away your power and making sure that you are getting just as much out of the relationship as you are putting in. Once you move from seeking love outside of yourself to rediscovering the self love that comes from within, you will attract the types of relationships that will nurture your spirit and bring you long term happiness.
Sending you peace, strength and love,
Zuri
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