Breaking up is never easy
… It can feel like a part of you has died. You may hear your songs playing on the radio, hold onto a gift they once gave you or keep their pictures lying around your room as a constant reminder of their emotional presence in your life, even if physically they have left the building days, weeks or months ago.
No one needs to tell you how difficult it is to stop thinking about them and as the days multiply, you’ll find yourself wondering if you’ll ever be able to get over them and love someone else with as much intensity as you felt for the ex. I’m here to tell you that you will. Healing occurs from the inside out.
With my guide to moving on from your ex, you’ll get through the detox process necessary to heal and chart your course to smooth sailing on the deep waters of your love life.
- Cut all contact with the ex
- Throw out or box up all memorabilia that serves as a reminder of the relationship
- Don’t go to old hang outs or locations where you are certain to run into him or her
- Get in touch with friends and family
- Socialize and try new activities
- Don’t wallow in daydreams of what if or play the self blame game
- Don’t force a relationship that is not really wanted or appreciated
- Keep a diary of your feelings
- Create a positive mindset
- Pamper yourself
That’s right, you must stop all contact with him or her cold turkey. That means no phone calls, emails, letters and absolutely under no circumstances going to see them in person. If their phone number is still in your cellphone memory, delete it. The same goes for email addresses or internet messenger screennames.
Calling their family or friends to keep in touch in order to keep tabs on what the ex is up to is a definite no-no. Not only will it make the outside parties uncomfortable but it will send you down a shame spiral. Don’t be that type of guy or girl. Keep your dignity intact by creating distance between you and them to begin the healing process.
These steps are essential to truly letting go. If you procrastinate doing this, you’ll prolong the heartache and emotional roller coaster that will come with maintaining that connection that you know is not good for you. If it was, you’d still be together right?
Whether it’s that teddy bear or sweater they gave you, love letters, cards or clothes they may have left behind, box them up and put them in your garage where you can’t get to them anymore. You have to do a relationship exorcism of your premises so you don’t fall into the sentimental trap everytime you see a reminder of them, which will delay your healing process.
Unless you both work together, try to avoid old hang outs where you are bound to run into him or her for a few months. Try to do some exploring and visit new locales with your friends and family to allow yourself some emotional breathing room.
I’m pretty sure before you started dating your ex, you had a fulfilled, happy life full of friends and people to spend time with. So, this is the time to reach out to that support group and do fun activities together. They’ll be your shoulder to cry on, listen to you when you’re having a low day, and push you to move forward out of your funk.
After a break up may not be the best time to jump back into the dating scene as you may need some time to heal and get over the relationship, but it is a good time to socialize and make new friends. Use this opportunity to get involved in new activities that you’ve always wanted to try out but now have the time to do since you are single. Whether it’s a cooking class, dance lessons, tennis, a college course or even a book club, it’ll help keep your mind busy and focused on interests that nourish your spirit and keep you connected to the heartbeat of the community of other active singles around you.
There is no point in wondering what you could have done differently to make it work or blame yourself for the failure of the union. Not all relationships are meant to last. Sometimes their purpose comes to an end and they leave your life so someone better can enter. It may not appear that way when you are hurting, but you must have faith in the knowledge that your ex was not the right one for you and the perfect romantic fit for you is still out there waiting to be discovered.
When it’s over, allow it to truly be over and don’t beg or try to force someone who does not wish to be with you to stay. You deserve better than that and will only block yourself from meeting partners who do wish to form a long lasting commitment. By engaging in booty calls and just one more hook up, you keep yourselves trapped in a holding pattern where neither of you can move forward to more fulfilling and happy relationships. Also, by the same token, if you don’t truly love someone, don’t just stay with them or keep trying to make it work because they love you and want to be with you. Be kind to them and set them free so that they can meet someone else who will appreciate all that they have to give.
By writing down the positives and negatives of the relationship, you’ll be able to keep in perspective what was good about the relationship and what actually led to its end. Every relationship serves a purpose in our lives, to teach us about ourselves and what we are ultimately looking for in the right partner. So, embrace the experiences and lessons that this relationship had to offer, and learn how you can apply it to your next relationship.
Perhaps, this relationship taught you that you need to stand up for yourself, create boundaries, be more compromising, less critical, work on self respect/esteem and love, or deal with anger or other issues in a productive way. Whatever your personal lesson was, remember to grow from it and don’t allow the past to cloud your future with a new partner. Don’t play the blame game or focus on needing closure. If you find yourself unable to leave the past in the past and move on, then therapy may be in order to help you sort through the issues that leave you stuck in time.
In the beginning, it’s perfectly natural and ok to feel sad, depressed, angry or even bitter about a break up and how you may have felt you were done wrong. However, when you see these feelings lasting for more than a couple of weeks, it’s time to reassess where you are at and how to snap out of this funk. Reach out to the positive support in your life, whether it’s family, friends or even your therapist and work on building a great self image of yourself. No relationship is worth isolating yourself from the world and losing out on all the fun activities and new people out there who are missing out on your company.
Right now, it’s the perfect time to pamper yourself. Go get a massage, a mani/pedi, a facial or book that vacation you always wanted to take with your favorite friend or family member. It’s all about creating healthy ways to feel good about yourself and spending quality time with your close network of loved ones. Remember, you had a life before you met your ex and you will have a life afterwards.
What’s the best revenge for an ex? Letting them see you looking ten times as gorgeous, happy and fulfilled than when you were together. So, get out there and get a new hairstyle, outfit, or join a new exercise program where you can take out your frustrations in a healthy way, and become that amazing person that you know you are still deep down.
And trust me, when you are feeling good, looking great, and happy again, you will have a glow about you that will not only captivate new hearts with your wit and personality but also make your ex wish they never let you go! As you leave your past behind with fresh skid marks on your ex’s driveway, you’ll find yourself sitting in the driver’s seat of your romantic life, ready to find your right match.
To your healing!
xo Zuri
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