Dear Zuri:
I met my ex in an online game in July of last year and we never really spoke to one another until a few months later when he asked me a question about stuff pertaining to the occult, which is a subject we’re both interested in. As the days and weeks passed we grew closer and fell in love. For about 6 months we couldn’t get enough of each other, seeing each other on msn and webcam whenever we could get a chance, staying up till the early hours of the morning talking. Soon after he became distant and told me that he needed his space.
I told him that I’d back off for a little while but he didn’t want me to. We were planning on meeting up in May this year but about three weeks before the time he broke up with me saying that the feelings that were once there for me had gone. We have mutual friends in common who had planned a trip to Europe this summer and who had asked me to go along. But he said he’d check with my ex first if it was okay. The ex said it was fine. My question is since I still have deep seated feelings for my ex cause I really loved him, still do, how should I act when I’m around him? I don’t want to come across as being desperate and wanting to get back together (even though I do).
– AS 8/77 and TR 2/84
Hi A!
As I read your tarot cards, I felt two distinct directions this can end up going in. Either he cancels and does not even go, saying something “came up” at the last moment or he does go and is cold and distant from the start. Because I keep sensing there will definitely be a change in plans and that you are waiting on something that just isn’t going to happen – the reconciliation. Even if your ex does go, his attention will be on himself and the trip and you’d be too busy worrying about everything he says/does. Putting all of your focus and energy on his feelings and movements would negatively affect your ability to have a good time. Not to mention the prolonged heart break you’d experience because you’d be delaying the healing process and building up false hopes and dreams. So if you are only going on the trip to be near him then you should cancel. If you are going for other reasons it’s better if he isn’t invited along if that was how this originally came to be. Once a guy loses interest – it’s usually best to let him go and not wait around for him to give you the attention you deserve.
You need to be careful in investing your emotions in the future in any internet relationship because it’s easy to get wrapped up in fantasy and build up feelings that may not hold up once you meet in person. This guy is not worth mooning over. He’s imaginary. He enjoyed the distraction of giving his time to a fantasy when it suited him but once there was the threat of it becoming real life and he had to really commit he bailed. You gave too much – he had all he needed right there and then. My advice to you is to cancel the trip or go on the trip with just the friends and not the ex. If he wants to go then he can go on his own or on a future trip with just the mutual friends. Psychically, I feel he wasn’t really looking to have a real life relationship off the web and that’s why he pulled a 180.
Not all internet relationships turn out this way but it’s important to emphasize that in order to protect yourself both emotionally and physically, you need to learn to date with discernment. That means not investing all of your time chatting on the web. Give yourself just a few weeks of getting to know someone online before making plans to meet in person. If possible, try to meet men that live in your area so you can see them more often. And, during that internet chat time, limit your correspondences to only an hour or two a day. Give them something to look forward to. You don’t want to be too available from the get go.
Usually, the men who just want a fantasy life on the internet will not move the relationship offline because he may even be married or have a girlfriend so it’s not smart to commit to a stranger on the web. (Catfish anyone?) By emphasizing boundaries, you’ll only have spent a few weeks instead of 6 months of your time on him. The more time you allow to pass without meeting, the more emotionally invested you become and you develop a higher risk of getting hurt. And no one wants that, especially when anyone can create an online persona and become anything they’d like on the web. Take this as a lesson to not develop romantic feelings or an emotional attachment before you meet. Keep it as a friendship online and see where it can lead only once you’ve met offline.
Blessings,
xo Zuri
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